Date A Mad Girl

Thought Catalog

She’s absolutely fucking insane. She has different personalities and lives life with her heart on her sleeve. Her creativity is abundant and to box her into the categories so neatly laid out by society and your mind is to do her and yourself a disservice. She is constantly on the brink of madness and genius but is hyper-sensitive to everything in between. She understands the inner darkness of your mind and heart, holds your head when the world is heavy and her hands are made of a clay the universe moulded especially to have and hold the load put on them. Her tenderness is sweet and never fleeting and her courage is boundless.

She is often questioning her purpose in life and loves in the most frightening and contagious way. It’s too much at times but once exposed to, cannot be compared to anything you’ve ever known. She is scary…

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dirt.

Let’s face it. We know this isn’t going to work out.
I was never the kind to try for something I knew was going to end up in dirt.
But why do I find myself still trying for this, for you, for us.

Something that upsets me.

I really don’t get it.

Why do people have to put others down?
Imagine how good a place the world would be if the “in thing” was to compliment people.

This is my humble opinion:

There are many ways to look at this..
Neither is right, neither is wrong. I guess it depends on who you are as a person and how you were brought up.
Some people prefer would rather you say mean things to your face, and some behind their backs.
I mean yeah it sucks that people even say things behind people’s backs but face it. Everyone is two faced.
Even me (tee hee).

Okay so what i’m getting at is…
People get affected by what you say to their faces.

The one thing you should know about me is that I am a terrible person.
I have my bad days too. I say bad things too. So if you’re reading this and thinking “She’s so much to say, but she’s like that too. What a hypocrite.” Whatever. I’m only human.
One thing I don’t do though, is talk about the people that I hate.
If you know me well enough, you wouldn’t even know who I hate. Because I do not talk about you at all.
If I feel impartial about you and you’re simply an acquaintance to me, then what I say about you is my opinion. I don’t go out of the way to say bad things about people. For every bad thing i’ve ever said about anyone, I probably have something good to say about you too. If only you’d ask.
That’s the world today though… Everyone only points out the bad, never the good.

Also, I do not care about your opinions of me unless you’re a friend. I do not have a lot of those.
I only appreciate constructive criticism from people who bother with my life. Those who know me. Those who love me. Those who really care for me.

Not from hi-bye acquaintances. no.

Just a few days ago, i got it on askfm that my features were “rough”.

Dear you,
I spend more time looking at myself in the mirror than you have ever spent looking at a singular photo of me.
I know my face more than you.
If i had an insecurity, I’d probably already have noticed it.
Thanks for the reminder.

At least that was on askfm and I can forget about it.
(And also if it affected me in that moment, I can rage because the person is anonymous)

Recently, I witnessed a close friend get called “FAT” to the face a million times – by people she knew.
That’s the terrible part.
How is that okay with all of you?
A joke, you say? Is it really that funny?
She can’t get angry because she’s sweet like that.
She can’t throw a tantrum because that’s who she is – That sweet girl who laughs everything off.
How do you even bring yourself to say things like that to someone’s face?
Especially when you’re not even close to her.
Say I really thought she was putting on bad weight, if i told her, she’d reason with herself.
“Ju knows that i’m affected, if she said it, it probably means that I should do something about it.”
Problem is, I didn’t even.
WHO ARE YOU TO SAY SHE HAS?

I have image problems.
I am not okay with the way I look.
So if you called me fat, I’d agree.
If she’s satisfied with the way she looks, then why would you make her doubt herself?
If she got so affected that she one day she became anorexic, who’re you going to answer to?
Don’t even bother apologising. No one’s forgiving you.

My blood reached boiling point that day.

One time? yeah sure ju. shrug it off.
Twice? okay… hold your horses. it’s a joke.
but no. Three, four, five, six, twenty. Every. One. She. Saw.
“You put on weight ah”
“So fat still eat so much”
Fuck. off.

I’m digressing. I don’t have a point.
But that’s just how frustrated I am.

When I’m feeling like a good person and i’m involved in a negative conversation, I’d say “I don’t really know him/her so I cant say anything.”
I actually respect myself for that.
Because, personally, I’d only be okay with it if someone who knew me(well) said something about me.
Maybe then I could try to understand why they felt that way about me.
But a hi-bye or someone who barely knows me?
WHO ARE YOU TO SAY THAT ABOUT ME?
You are judging me based on a singular incident. You cannot say that I’m a bad person because of that.
So you call me selfish? My close friends would not agree with you because they know about the rest of the time that I put them first.
But because you only know of that one incident where I put myself first, I’m selfish. Clap clap for your great observational skills.

This reminds me of something that happened with my friend the other day.
She was so busy doing everyone else’s work that she hardly had time to eat.
As a good friend, she knew I didn’t have lunch and offered to share hers with me.
(That’s already half the meal you had)
Together, we didn’t even finish it.
(That’s a quarter of what you ate)

Celebratory snack.
She had one. (That too, she shared with me)
“Wa so fat already still eating”
“Every time I see you, you’re eating”
WOW.

Yeah I don’t know if i’ve even addressed everything in my head but that’s just what I have to say.

Maybe the next time you say something to someone’s face. Think about someone saying it to you first.
No don’t be shallow and think (if you’re skinny)”If someone called me fat, how would I feel”
Think about your insecurity. If someone pointed out an insecurity of yours to you, how would you feel?

That’s all I have to say.

xx, Ju.

Love.

I don’t think anyone quite understands just how happy you make me.
The thought of you excites me.
The thought of your skin against mine…
I could watch you forever.
You apologised for leaving me alone the other day when you were sleeping.
I couldn’t have been happier that I was given the opportunity of watching over you.
Yes, it sucked that, sleepy, sick, you wouldn’t layan me.
But apart from that, I loved watching you sleep.
Knowing that you were okay made everything else alright.
It has been awhile since I’ve been this contented with my position in life.

I hope you don’t let me down.
I hope you don’t break me. again.