So i’m here and my last post was a longgggg time ago wasn’t it?
Seems like I only ever come here when I need to get over things, doesn’t it?
Well, that is – after all – the reason why i created this space anyway..
Since I last blogged, things have happened – both good and bad.
I met a boy, who filled me with joy. (Oh, song lyrics)
Let’s call him Mr K.
K made me so happy… Even my friends were surprised to see me smile.
If you know me personally, you’d probably know that getting a smile on this face and making it last is something special.
He managed to. He made me smile like the sun, fall out of bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head. (There I go again)
He was so so so so sooooo special.
I’ve never met anyone quite like him. He
was IS probably the sweetest guy you’ll ever meet.
Always putting others before himself.
He showered me with so much love in the form of both gifts and affection, and that of course, made me very happy.
I was so excited to finally be able to love again because the last time really wrecked me.
We spent time together and I really felt that I was truly happy – but not complete.
The last, made me feel whole.
And it’s not about comparison here. It’s just that gut feeling.
Everyone makes comparisons, and you can’t deny it.
It’s just unfortunate that this time, it wasn’t a good result.
“You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me”
“You make me feel something that i’ve never felt before”
“I hope you don’t hurt me like the others did”
All these cliché lines that have been thrown around in many relationships all bear a certain sort of comparison.
But fine, if you think that comparing to past relationships is a bad thing to do, then I’ll just say that i’m going with my gut feels.
How – tell me how – am I supposed to love you, knowing that this feelings i have for you are molecules compared to what I felt before. (get it? chemistry?)
Maybe you don’t believe in knowing it, but I do.
and i’m as much a part of this relationship as you are so i think my opinions matter.
So I was infatuated (and i know it).
I mistook it for love and i’m sorry i didn’t see this coming…
On a side note, it’s really not that i’m not willing to nurture this love because I have hopes for it.
I’m not ready.
I’m not ready to love again, not yet.
L crushed my world. He made me want to not only build up my walls higher than the empire state building, but lock myself in too.
Yes, he burnt my bridges down, but he then put me on a speed train to way way wayyyyy ahead of where I last was.
I’ve forgotten how to show anyone any form of affection and I don’t want anyone to lose interest in me.
It’s EASY for someone to say that they will love you regardless – but only time can tell.
It’s SIMPLE to say that you’ll never lose interest – but how long can you take it, really? if someone you love doesn’t reciprocate?
In time, when I’m ready if we could try again, I wouldn’t hesitate.
Things are difficult. I’m difficult.
In a few years time, I’ll pack up and leave. What then?
I’ve been haunted with thoughts that haven’t visited in awhile and that doesn’t make things any better.
At the end of the day, you have to do what pleases yourself and what’s good for you in the long run.