….

It’s a horrible feeling.

I don’t even know how to explain it.

I wish I could be a part of something.

I don’t know if I can wait to leave this place and make new and proper friends and then actually bother to keep the relationship.

I’ve lost so many friends that I don’t know who are my real friends anymore…
so many of them are mere acquaintances. Just in my life for this particular chapter.

Why, oh why, am I the far sighted kind.

I look too far into the future. I imagine how my life is going to be way too soon before it happens.

It’s exactly this that causes disappointment.

I always thought I’d be happily attached to a lovely young boy at the age of 18 – Look at me, i’m 19.

I imagined myself to be with you, you & you – YOU barely remember me.

I imagined that our kids would all meet and be friends – Look at us, we don’t even talk.

I don’t know why I set such high expectations for myself. I should face it – the fact that i’m nothing. I’ll never be something.

I don’t know why people are friends with me.

Am I not good enough to be held close, but too fragile to let go?

Why is everyone keeping me at a distance when all I want to be is close…

 

 

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