It’s a horrible feeling.
I don’t even know how to explain it.
I wish I could be a part of something.
I don’t know if I can wait to leave this place and make new and proper friends and then actually bother to keep the relationship.
I’ve lost so many friends that I don’t know who are my real friends anymore…
so many of them are mere acquaintances. Just in my life for this particular chapter.
Why, oh why, am I the far sighted kind.
I look too far into the future. I imagine how my life is going to be way too soon before it happens.
It’s exactly this that causes disappointment.
I always thought I’d be happily attached to a lovely young boy at the age of 18 – Look at me, i’m 19.
I imagined myself to be with you, you & you – YOU barely remember me.
I imagined that our kids would all meet and be friends – Look at us, we don’t even talk.
I don’t know why I set such high expectations for myself. I should face it – the fact that i’m nothing. I’ll never be something.
I don’t know why people are friends with me.
Am I not good enough to be held close, but too fragile to let go?
Why is everyone keeping me at a distance when all I want to be is close…