I hate this. I really do.

I hate this feeling. I’m so over, but i’m not.

This recurring feeling of… i can’t even describe.

It’s not knowing what could’ve been. 

I love you so much that I almost hate you.

You’ve hurt me so much, you don’t even know it.

You let it pass you like shit never happened.

I’ll never be the same.

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Can’t help but,

Every time I visit this site, It means that something is troubling me.

I don’t know why, but every time I come here. I get completely tongue tied (or finger tied rather). I’m supposed to be good with words – given that i’m from a media course and all…
But I’m not.

I want to express how I feel, but I feel that no one is really listening. There is no one who can listen. Maybe i’m just being petty.

That’s it. That’s it. It’s me.

I know i’ve got R. I know she’ll be there for me when I need her, but my “selflessness” won’t allow that. I don’t want to burden her.

but because of that, I go on one of those “the world hates me” “I’m so lonely” “I’ve got no one” trips. 

Sometimes when you’ve got so much in you and you just can’t lash it out on your usual confidantes… to where do you run?

I’m the death of me. I am my own weakness. The problem is within me. My demon lives inside of me.

I need to change.

Lately, I’ve been feeling that I’m not who I’m supposed to be. 

I’m changing to suit the people around me.

I want to leave… Not the world, but for a place where I can start anew and be who I was meant to me.

Make some real friends and no one else. 

I don’t know, FTS. I’m just gna hold it in and when it gets too much. I’ll see where life takes me. Bye.

I do.

You get lost on your way back home, just about anywhere.

You sing off key to the radio, like nobody’s there.

And I love that your Sunday’s best is a holey pair of jeans

And I don’t stand a chance when you smile.

 

Yeah the longer that we’re together,

The good keeps on getting better,

I never thought that I would ever find someone like you.

Every day you show me I can,

Just when I think that I can’t love you anymore than I do, I do.

 

You change your hair colour every week, cause you’re never quite sure of it.

And I know when you’re mad at me, cause you tell me what I did

And all I think is beautiful, when I think of you,

And I still can’t believe that you’re mine.

 

Yeah the longer that we’re together,

The good keeps on getting better,

I never thought that I would ever find someone like you.

Every day you show me I can,

Just when I think that I can’t love you anymore than I do, I do.

 

All I see is beautiful, when I look at you.

 

Yeah the longer that we’re together,

The good keeps on getting better,

I never thought that I would ever find someone like you.

Every day you show me I can,

Just when I think that I can’t love you anymore than I do

I can’t love you anymore than I do, I do

I do.

 

….

It’s a horrible feeling.

I don’t even know how to explain it.

I wish I could be a part of something.

I don’t know if I can wait to leave this place and make new and proper friends and then actually bother to keep the relationship.

I’ve lost so many friends that I don’t know who are my real friends anymore…
so many of them are mere acquaintances. Just in my life for this particular chapter.

Why, oh why, am I the far sighted kind.

I look too far into the future. I imagine how my life is going to be way too soon before it happens.

It’s exactly this that causes disappointment.

I always thought I’d be happily attached to a lovely young boy at the age of 18 – Look at me, i’m 19.

I imagined myself to be with you, you & you – YOU barely remember me.

I imagined that our kids would all meet and be friends – Look at us, we don’t even talk.

I don’t know why I set such high expectations for myself. I should face it – the fact that i’m nothing. I’ll never be something.

I don’t know why people are friends with me.

Am I not good enough to be held close, but too fragile to let go?

Why is everyone keeping me at a distance when all I want to be is close…